Painful Reminders Learning to be Mindful

In my life I have many strong, healthy, encouraging lead female roles in my life and yet all these amazing women pale in comparison to my own mother.

My mother has been steadfast in loving our family. Going above and beyond regardless of her own needs for her children.

My son was born almost 8 years ago, completely altering her life forever. This little person who was not her child she loved as if he came from her womb, unconditionally loved him because she loved me.

His father and I have had a very tumultuous relationship. His father is my abuser and I struggle to regain control over myself when it comes to him and not fall back to the same old song and dance. This last court hearing was about whether or not I move from the city back to my childhood rural small town.

My mom had called sick with worry and asked me 100 questions about this or that for court and I had no more information to give her. I snapped. I screamed at the one person calling to help and offer suggestions. I don’t recall the amount of time that went by that we didn’t speak, but I remember hanging up the phone already in remorse for what I said. I’ve never called my mom names or attacked her character. It was how I spoke to her condescending, snarky, short, and dismissive.

I forgot that in my own struggle, she too was struggling. She too felt pain for him. She also felt pain for me. I forgot. Which is not an excuse, none the less we’re all human.

So I did what I know to do and wrote her a letter.

Mama,

If there was ever one person who has walked by my side since day one it’s you, mom.  You’ve seen every struggle, every bad decision, every happy moment, and every triumph. I’ve brought tears to your eyes more times than I even want to admit to myself, let alone you.

In reflection of the conversation we had yesterday, I was wrong.

It’s been 5 long sleepless, anxious, emotional, & crazy years.  Sitting here with a light at the end of the tunnel I’m just tired.  I do the least amount of thinking about this that I have to. 

I’ve compiled a list of witnesses that can attest to me being a good mom. That’s done.  All I have left to do is go to depositions in April. Court in May. I’m doing what my lawyer told me to do. Be a good mom, keep my head in school, and not worry.  I’m struggling with all of that.

I want to die every time my son says he wants to live with his dad, reitreating his dad saying I’m a horrible mother, that I don’t take care of him, that I’m a bitch, that his dad thinks I’m disgusting, that he’s sad about me at his dad’s, why do I take him from his dad, why do I leave him at his dad’s, what’s his real name, etc…

I don’t want to see my son get emotionally ripped to shreds, I don’t want him to hurt, & I don’t want him to cry.  I know no one will ever love and take care of him like I do, not even his dad. So, when I see my son displaying unhealthy behaviors because of the games played on his mind I just want to protect him from all of it.

With that being said, I know how I feel about my son. The same way you feel about me, then to add my son to that… I can’t imagine that. I honestly have no comprehension of that feeling.

I’m sorry that in that moment I dismissed your feelings of the situation, I spoke to you with that snarky tone in my voice, & didn’t communicate with you how I should have. I love you mom & I appreciate ALL that you do!

Love,

 Anastasia

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s