The loneliness that’s been left for my soul to feed on has encompassed my whole being. The throbbing pain of a lost love is almost enough to tear you from the inside out. It’s a beautifully painful renewing experience.
I’ve always heard about being sold a dream. This wasn’t your normal player; this was a man who genuinely believed this to be a dream. Who had convinced me of the very thing I was terrified of, commitment. This, to me, was a nightmare and didn’t resemble anything of the wonderful lucid dreams I was accustomed to.
In my dreams there is a euphoric peace, love, acceptance, validation, calm, empowerment, clarity, and wisdom that comes solely from myself to myself. Maybe it was my experience with a calm space or my perceptions of dreams that I expected too much from one soul.
I am an ever-growing and ever-changing human. I learn my lessons in my time and sometimes need a reminder of what they are. In this case, my expectations got the best of me. I started to get anxious and when I realized this, I pulled away.
I’ve already opened my mind, my heart, and my soul to him, & him alone. It was a scary chance I was willing to take. I never felt included, never felt good enough, and never felt like “I sat at the adult table”. I always felt I was on the outside peering in and to appease the constant nagging, I would get thrown a scrap of information here or there.
As we know a person is never really yours because they were never yours to begin with. I remembered this one night laying there crying after he’d gone a few days of not communicating at all. Racking my brain about what did I do, what did I say, or what didn’t I do or say. Looking at it as neither good nor bad, but life. He did what he wanted to do & that was not communicate with me. That’s ok. He doesn’t have to, at all.
I had a hard time with being denied my existence for days at a time. I stopped crying and I started living. Started living my life the way I wanted to, with whoever I wanted in it, and doing the things I love and wanted to spend time on. I stopped waiting to react and stopped allowing myself to be treated in such a manner.
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I love his man with my whole heart and soul, but it was time to actually let go. I feel the aching for him in some moments, & I smile knowing he can still make me yearn from the inside out. What a love I experienced, and how fortunate I am for the experience. How brave I was to jump into his arms, even knowing somewhere deep down the fate of our relationship.
This wasn’t your normal nightmare, it was one disguised as a dream; those are the worst.